Hopeful
by Chapin CSI
Summary: GSR. Sequel to Hope. Sara's nursing her injured leg while Gil faces suspension. New: Sara finally tells Gil that she's pregnant. Here's his reaction. Story Complete.
1. Chapter 1

HOPEFUL

A sequel to 'Hope'.

Spoiler: Living Doll. Monster in a Box

* * *

Catherine walked down the hallway, flashed her ID at the nurse behind the counter, then ´kept on walking before the woman could put up an objection. Visiting hours were over, as Catherine very well knew, but this couldn't wait.

Catherine entered Sara's room just as a nurse was finishing tending to Sara's injured leg.

It was a relief to see her bending her knee on her own. Doctors had expressed concern at first, but she was responding well to treatment, and the prognosis was good.

While she waited, Catherine's attention wandered to a table nearby, where several floral arrangements competed for space. Actually, flowers were conspicuously absent; instead, there were a couple of teddy bears and a profusion of ribbons and balloons bearing messages like 'get well soon,' 'we miss you,' etc.

Catherine started to look away, but her attention was drawn back -this time by a scent. It was faint but the contrast with the prevalent smells of the hospital was so great, she couldn't ignore it. It was the scent of fresh herbs.

The source was right there in the middle of the balloon arrangements: A small clay pot containing some greenery.

Catherine shook her head in disbelief. Who sent fresh herbs to a woman in a hospital bed, for God's sake?

And the answer came immediately to her: Grissom.

Catherine rolled her eyes.

When she turned, the nurse was making Sara comfortable for the night. After a brief conversation, she left.

Catherine came over.

"Hey."

"Hey," Sara said, her voice still raspy and weak.

"I've got something for you," Catherine said, taking something from her purse and holding it up for Sara's view: A small glass jar containing a honey-colored liquid. "My grandmother's famous cough syrup. It does wonders for sore throats."

Sara smiled. "Thanks," she whispered.

Catherine put the jar on the side table, then carefully sat on the edge of the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," Sara said.

"You don't sound too good," Catherine hesitated. She started to rise, "Maybe I should come back some other time -"

Sara shook her head.

"No. Please. Stay."

Catherine sat back.

"You gave us quite a scare," Catherine said, a mock-stern tone in her voice.

"Sorry."

"It's all right. You gave us a scare but you also gave us a thrill," she added mischievously. "You and Grissom, huh?"

Sara shrugged evasively, but Catherine was oblivious to her discomfort.

"I can't say I didn't see it coming," Catherine said, "But it was a surprise all the same. You two can really keep a secret. How long has this been going on? I'm asking you because I know Gil will never tell me," she added dryly.

Sara hesitated, then replied, "Thirteen months."

"And I never noticed," Catherine said, shaking her head. "Wow." She patted Sara's hand. "I'm happy for you."

Sara smiled faintly but didn't say anything.

They were silent for a moment, then Catherine cleared her throat.

"Do you remember the miniature set that Natalie made when she planned the murder of Dr. Tallman?" She paused until Sara nodded. "Gil opened the doll and found tiny lungs filled with carbon monoxide; do you remember that?"

Sara's smile started to fade.

Catherine continued, "I thought maybe Natalie had left us some similar clue this time, so I opened the doll she left under the car." She paused, then added, "She placed a tiny baby inside the doll's belly."

Sara's eyes widenened.

"Sara?"

Sara looked anxiously at Catherine.

"You didn't tell Gil, did you?"

"No," Catherine said. "I didn't. By the time I found it, he was going ahead with the rescue."

Sara closed her eyes in relief.

Catherine waited. She knew that pressing Sara for answers would not take her very far, but she was not going away either.

She could only hope that Sara would trust her.

"How did she know?" Sara whispered.

"Maybe she followed you around," Catherine offered, "Maybe she saw you go to a gynecologist -"

Sara shook her head.

"Maybe she went through my garbage cans at home," Sara said bitterly, "I used about a half-a-dozen pregnancy tests. Couldn't believe it -"

Catherine hesitated. There was one question she needed to ask.

"Sara? How are you feeling?"

Sara briefly opened her eyes. She smiled faintly.

"Fine. We're fine," she said pointedly.

"Thank God," Catherine said, sincerely relieved. She kept her gaze on Sara, who had closed her eyes again. After a moment, a single tear rolled down the young woman's cheek.

"Oh, Sara. You're not happy about it?"

Sara took a deep breath.

"I don't know how I feel."

"What about Grissom? Aren't you going to tell him?"

Sara's smile was brief and bitter.

"I tried a dozen times," she whispered. "Couldn't. And I… Haven't decided what to do, anyway."

Comprehension dawned on Catherine.

"Oh," she said. She gently laid a hand on top of Sara's. "Well. It's a tough decision. Believe me, I know." She studied Sara for a moment. "But you want the baby, don't you?"

Sara nodded. She tried to smile but the corners of her mouth tilted down instead. She looked vulnerable and scared.

Catherine laid a comforting hand on Sara's shoulder.

"Hey…" she said, "It's ok to be afraid. It's a big change and a huge responsibility. And I know you; you're not afraid of what may happen to you and your body; you're afraid of what might happen to this little baby. You're worried about the fairness of bringing a new life into this crazy world… Am I right?"

Sara nodded, still without opening her eyes.

"Sara… I believe you're capable of giving love. And in the end, that's all that matters."

Sara opened her eyes at last. She smiled and mouthed the word thanks.

"And listen," Catherine said, "I want you to know that… If you need to talk, or something -I'm there. Ok? "

"Ok," Sara said.

"And Sara… You should tell Gil."

Sara shook her head.

"You don't think Grissom would take care of his own child?" Catherine asked, though she didn't pause long enough to let Sara answer, "Look. Men are funny when it comes to compromise. They might not be keen to tie the knot for the sake of a woman's love but if there's a kid involved… They'll jump right in. Even guys who don't seem interested in having kids," she added pointedly. "Besides, you, of all people, should know that there's nothing written about Gil's behavior. He may surprise you yet."

"I know," Sara said tiredly. "But… There is too much going on right now."

"What do you mean?"

"He's gonna be in trouble. He mouthed off to Ecklie -"

Catherine nodded reluctantly. Gil had gone ahead with his rescue of Sara, despite Ecklie's opposition. Gil had broken every rule…

"He defied Ecklie because of me," Sara said, "I know Ecklie; he's gonna want his pound of flesh." She looked at Catherine, "I don't want it to be Gil's."

"Sara, you can't take responsibility over this," Catherine countered, "Grissom and Ecklie have been at each other's throats for… ever. And that's not important, anyway. What matters is that you're pregnant with Gil's baby." She looked at Sara in the eye, "He loves you. He's probably never told you," she added with a scowl, "But he does."

Sara smiled a little.

They didn't talk much after that. Finally, sleep claimed Sara, and Catherine lowered the lights in the room.

She glanced over his shoulder before opening the door.

She sighed. She wouldn't trade places with Sara for anything in the world. Having a baby was a huge responsibility.

On the other hand… Catherine smiled reluctantly. Well, on the other hand, babies were a source of joy, too.

She only hoped that Sara would make the right choice.

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

Hopeful

Part 2

* * *

A couple of days later, Sara was in her living room, reading a book. She was sitting on her couch, her right leg resting on a cushion. There were crutches lying on the floor next to her, and she mechanically reached for them when someone knocked on her door. 

She momentarily froze when she heard a key turning on the lock, but immediately relaxed when she saw Catherine coming in. Sara had given her the keys to her house the day before.

"Hey," Catherine said.

"Hey," Sara greeted, "Come on in."

Catherine advanced, carrying a fairly large cardboard box in her arms.

"Here," she said, putting the box on the coffee table next to Sara's couch. "I cleaned up your locker."

"Thanks. I appreciate this."

"Oh, it was nothing," Catherine said dismissively, "It was the cleanest locker I'd ever seen. There was hardly anything in there, except for clothes and toiletries. Pretty bare," she added, "Considering you've been at the lab for seven years."

Sara didn't comment. It was true; unlike most CSIs, who tended to keep pictures and personal mementos in their lockers, she hardly kept any personal stuff in them. But she considered it an asset; it was one of the reasons she'd been able to pack overnight when Grissom offered her a job in Las Vegas.

"Anyway," Catherine said, "I turned your keys back to Personnel, just as you asked -"

Catherine was sneaking discreet glances around as she spoke, and Sara noticed immediately.

"You've never been here before, have you?" she smiled.

"You'd never invited me before," Catherine replied dryly.

"Go ahead, then. Take a look."

Catherine looked around openly.

"It's nice," she said, without bothering to hide her surprise.

Sara smiled at Catherine's unembellished response.

"You didn't think it would be nice?" she asked.

"Well…" Catherine hesitated, "To tell you the truth, after looking into your locker, I was expecting a more Spartan decor. But this is nice. Warm. Love your plants," she added, glancing at the tiny pots lining a nearby window; they were filled with green vegetation. She turned to Sara. "You've made a home here," she said.

Sara didn't say anything.

Catherine sat on the chair closest to Sara.

"So, Sara," Catherine said, "I promised I wouldn't ask… But you know I can't just leave it at that, right? Why did you ask me to empty your locker?"

Sara shrugged.

"I'm going to be away for a few weeks -"

"I know," Catherine nodded, "The physical therapy, and all that. But is that really all?" she looked closely at Sara, "You're not quitting, are you?"

"I don't want to quit," Sara said, again refusing to give a direct answer.

Catherine didn't insist.

"All right," she said patiently, "So. How are you feeling?"

"Oh. You know," Sara shrugged slightly. "Bored. But at least I'm catching up with my reading," she added, smiling a little.

Catherine peeked at the book open on Sara's lap.

"One Hundred Years of Solitude," she read aloud. "Wow. And here I thought you'd be reading book after book on child-bearing."

"Not yet," Sara smiled. "But I've already ordered a couple of books."

"Good for you," Catherine said, "Of course," she added, "If you really want to know what to expect,  
there's nothing like another mother's testimony to find out what having a baby is all about."

Sara smiled at this.

"I know," she said, "I'm sure I'll be turning to you for advice in a few months."

"And I'll be here," Catherine said reassuringly.

They smiled at each other, then fell silent for a moment, each lost in her own thoughts.

Sara was surprised at how comforting it was to have Catherine around. For all the troubles they'd had over the years, it was nice to see that friendship had prevailed somehow.

Inevitably, Catherine asked, "Did you tell him?"

Sara's smile faded. She shook her head.

"Not yet."

"Are you going to?"

Sara stared at Catherine for a moment.

"Would you use a child to trap a man, Catherine?"

Catherine raised her eyebrows.

"Is that how you feel about it?" she asked. "Why? I mean, it's not like you got pregnant by design, right? Oh, Sara," she shook her head, "I think you're making this more complicated than it has to be. Just talk to him. It's his baby; he's got responsibilities, now. And rights," she added pointedly. "If you're worried about his reaction, don't be. In case you haven't noticed, there's nothing Gil wouldn't do for you."

Sara smiled bitterly.

"I hate that," she said vehemently.

Catherine raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"You do? Why?"

"Because -" Sara started, then paused. She found it difficult to explain. Mostly, she felt uncomfortable, revealing her inner fears to another person.

She took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled.

"Because I don't want him to make sacrifices for me," she said at last. "I don't want him to lose what he has because of me." She looked up, "He's at a hearing right now, did you know that? Ecklie wants to suspend him."

"He won't succeed," Catherine said firmly, "Last thing I heard, personnel involved in the search were signing a petition in Gil's favor. They admit they should have listened to him from the start." She lowered her voice, "Between you and me, I think they've realized Grissom could easily sue them for not acting faster -"

"Gil would never do that."

"You know and I know, but they don't. Let's face it; if Gil had waited for them to act, you would be dead. But my point is, Ecklie won't be able to touch Gil. And even if he did, I don't think it would matter to Grissom. You're alive and that's all he cares about. He doesn't see any of this as a sacrifice; he just loves you. You don't believe he does?" Catherine asked. Then her eyes suddenly narrowed, "This isn't because of what I said about Gil and Lady Heather is it?"

"No, it's not," Sara said, smiling reluctantly, "It's not about that."

"-'Cause if it is, then I'm sorry," Catherine continued, "I mean, I went on and on about her and Gil -"

"It's not that," Sara interrupted. She paused for a moment. "I know he loves me," she said at last. "He always has. But the truth is, he doesn't need the same things that I do. I wanted a relationship; he didn't. He had lots of reasons; some of them were valid, others were not -although now I see he was right about some of them.

"But the point is, he didn't _need_ a relationship, Catherine; he was happy with the way things were. We worked together, we met for an occasional cup of coffee or a movie -and that was enough for him. But it wasn't enough for me. And so, he… He caved in."

"And that's a problem?" Catherine asked, still without understanding.

Sara took a deep breath, "If I told him I want to have a kid, he'd probably say yes. Maybe he'd freaked out at first, but he'd eventually say yes. He'd cave in. Again. But I- I wouldn't know if that's what he really wants."

"Well... You'll never know unless you ask him," Catherine said reasonably.

"I know," Sara said. "I know I have to deal with this, and soon. I just -" She shook her head impotently. She looked up, "You must think I'm a coward."

"Since when do you care what I think?" Catherine retorted, only to soften her tone to add, "No, I don't think you're a coward. Believe me, I know how difficult this must be. But he's gonna find out sooner or later, Sara. Look. We don't know what he's gonna say but… What if he does want a child? What if you're robbing him of some happiness by not telling him?"

Sara frowned over this.

Catherine patted Sara's arm and then rose.

"Tell him," She said, "He might surprise you."

Just as she was about to reach the door, Sara called out.

"You won't tell him anything, right?"

"Oh, hell, no," Catherine said. "I won't rob _you_ of that pleasure." Then she smiled, "I just wish I could see his face when you tell him, though. Men get all goofy-eyed when they find that their little soldiers have scored. Some guys, anyway," she added wearily as she opened the door.

* * *

TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

Hopeful  
Part 3  
Thank you for reviewing.

* * *

Sara was leaning against the stove when she heard the sound of a key turning in the door lock. She froze just like she did earlier, only this time she knew it was for real; it had to be Gil. 

The moment she'd been dreading had come.

She closed her eyes momentarily, then opened them. She forced herself to smile and turned, just in time to see Gil coming in.

He glanced into the living room first.

"I'm here," She said, waiving from the little alcove she used as a kitchen.

He was surprised to see her there.

"I said I'd take care of dinner," he said, slightly peeved.

"I couldn't stay on the couch anymore," she said good-naturedly, and this time her smile was genuine. Despite her dread, she was happy to see him. "It's only soup," she added as he came into the kitchen. "Carrots and peas. Would you like some chicken with that? I have some in the fridge."

But he wasn't much interested in the soup. He put an arm around her waist and pulled her close. He pecked her on the cheek.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his lips caressing her ear.

The words, whispered in an intimate tone, sent chills down her spine.

"I'm fine," she said, amazed, as she always was, at the effect that his voice and the slightest of caresses had on her. She leant into his embrace and let herself enjoy the warmth that his arms lent to her body. "Gil," she sighed.

"Hmmm?"

She shook her head. She simply wanted to say his name while they were holding each other.

"You shouldn't be on your feet," he said after a moment. "Your leg -"

"I'm fine," she said. She didn't want to move, but her concern for him overrode her comfort. She pulled back to look at him. "How did the hearing go?"

"Oh. You know._ Ecklie_," he said, as if a single word explained it all. It was the tone, rather than the word than said it all.

"I'm sorry, baby."

"It's all right," he said, "I'll have my turn tomorrow."

He radiated confidence, which in turn reassured her. Seeing him so at ease made her wonder whether things were really as bad as he'd originally thought, and whether she'd made a mistake by not trusting him more.

And suddenly, Sara knew -she just knew- that if she opened her mouth, she'd blurted out the words she'd been holding back this past week.

Fighting the impulse, she leant her head on his shoulder.

She didn't know how long she could keep this a secret. She longed to tell him; she had this secret fantasy – which she didn't dare mention to Catherine- where she told him she was pregnant and he smiled and raved about becoming a father.

She knew where this fantasy came form; it was a scene from some movie -one of the dozen TV movies she'd watched as a child while her parents fought in the other room. Those TV movies had comforted her as a child, but she knew better now. She didn't believe in 'happily-ever-after'…

And yet, sometimes she couldn't help wishing that something like that could happen to her.

And when she was in his arms, she almost believed it could.

"Let's forget about Ecklie," Gil whispered as he gently kissed Sara's neck.

She moaned at the caress but he mistook her reaction for one of pain.

"Shouldn't you be sitting down -" he started, but Sara didn't let him finish. With her hands on his shoulders, she forced him to take a couple of steps back until he bumped against a nearby stool. She made him sit there, then kissed him impulsively.

He responded with equal fire, but he was still mindful of her leg. He reluctantly pulled back.

"You know," he said, "A stool might not be the safest place to do this -"

"Hmmm," she smiled, "Any suggestions?"

"Let me think -" he said playfully. But before he could suggest anything, something in the background caught his attention. "What's in the box?" he asked, looking over Sara's shoulder. "It's from the lab," he added. He'd obviously noticed the logo on the box. Catherine had reused an empty box of latex gloves.

Sara hesitated. Telling a lie was really tempting. They were in each other's arms; she could feel his desire for her -which was just as great as her own need... It was so easy to yield to love and forget everything else –

But she couldn't hold back anymore. He deserved the truth.

"It's personal stuff," she started. "I… I asked Catherine to empty my locker."

"Why?" he asked, sincerely puzzled.

She shrugged slightly.

"I'm going to be away for some weeks -"

"Only for three weeks," he said. "The therapist said so."

"I know," she said softly. "But…"

Grissom looked at her, seemingly without an inkling that anything was wrong. He was merely waiting for her to explain.

"Sara?"

"I'm going away for a few months," she said. When Grissom didn't say anything, she started to disengage herself from his embrace. He didn't stop her, but when he saw her trying to hold on to the edge of the counter, he reacted at last. He stood and silently motioned her to take the seat.

When Sara looked up, she noticed a look of expectation in his eyes. She'd seen that look in his eyes before; only this time it was pain that he was anticipating, not joy.

But whatever it was that he was feeling, he didn't reveal it. His voice was level as he asked, 'why,' again.

"I'm -" she started, then paused. It wouldn't do to say it like this, as if she were about to cry. She forced herself to smile a little, "I'm thinking of taking a sabbatical."

"A sabbatical?" he asked, as if he didn't quite understand the meaning of the word.

"Yeah," she said, and she smiled widely, "You're not the only one who feels the need to get away from it all," she teased.

He nodded almost imperceptibly.

"You didn't say anything," he said calmly. "Where are you planning to go?"

"I was thinking… San Francisco."

He was momentarily taken aback, then recovered.

"San Francisco," he said quietly. "But what about your physical therapy?"

"There are therapists there," she said reasonably. "I plan to stay with friends," she added conversationally. "I'm gonna be all right -"

"Sara?" he interrupted, then paused, as if he found it difficult to say more. But when he spoke again, his emotions were well under control. "Are you leaving me?"

She didn't expect such a direct question. She could only shake her head no.

"But you need to get away," he said.

"Gil -"

"Is this about the hearing?" he asked. When she didn't answer, he tried again. "Sara... I know a lot has happened. We never planned for Ecklie to find out -" he gulped, then tried again. "I know I've made mistakes," he said softly. "If I had caught Natalie Davis sooner, then -"

She looked up sharply.

"Don't," she said, because she couldn't bear to hear him blame himself. " You couldn't have done more. And you caught her. And you found me._ You_ did," she said. She took a deep breath. "This isn't about the case or the hearing. I mean, it is, but -It's about me, too."

She paused for a moment, then she looked at Grissom. "I faced death for two days, you know. There were moments when I didn't know whether I would survive. And yet, I was never as afraid as I am now. Suddenly, life fazes me," she said, as if she'd only realized this.

"And going away will help?" he asked, a shade incredulously.

"I need a little time," she said.

He was silent for a moment, then he looked at her in the eye.

"Are you coming back?" he asked.

She didn't trust herself to talk, so she merely reached for his hand and squeezed it.

Grissom looked at her hand for a moment.

"Sara..." he said at last, "If you really need to go... Then go."

Sara looked down and closed her eyes. What had Catherine say? That Gil would do anything for her? She was right. He would do anything to please her; even letting her go.

"Sara?"

She looked up and met Gil's gaze. What she saw made her falter. There was something in his eyes that made her feel as though he was reading her most intimate thoughts. But she didn't avert her gaze. Gil's ability to read her was one of the things that had made her fall in love with him in the first place.

"But if you leave..." he said after a moment. "Would you let me come along?" He paused, "As a paying guest, of course," he added, trying for a little humor.

Her lips parted but no word came. She was too surprised. She tightened the hold she had on his hand. Grissom tugged at hers.

"Will you tell me the real reason behind all this?" he asked quietly.

She sighed.

"I guess I'm just running away," she said with some difficulty. "There's so much going on. If Ecklie -"

"Forget Ecklie," he interrupted. "Forget the hearing. None of this matters."

"It does," she replied. "Your job is on the line," she added passionately, "All you've worked for. And all because of me -"

"Sara." He paused, searching for the right words to say. "I didn't do it for you," he said quietly. "I mean, yes, I did it because of you but… I would have done it anyway. That's what Ecklie doesn't understand -that I'd risk it all for a cause.

He paused for a moment.

"I like my job, and yes, I've worked for this all my life but… I don't want it. Not like this. I don't want to work in a place were human lives take a back seat to rules. I can start over," he said firmly. "But this…" he added, tugging at her hand again. "This, I can't let go of." He looked up, "I need you in my life, Sara."

She rose unsteadily, then fell into his arms.

"I don't want to go," she whispered fiercely. "I don't want anything to change -"

But things_ had_ changed.

"I'm pregnant," she said.

* * *

TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

Hopeful

Part 4

Spoiler: A scene from A bullet runs through it.

This story's a sequel to 'Hope', which was written before 'Dead Doll'. In my story, it's Sara's leg that gets hurt, not her arm.

* * *

In the preceding days, Sara had often wondered what Gil's reaction would be. Unfortunately, the only scenarios she could image were those she'd learned from the TV movies she'd watched as a child. 

She tried to picture Gil saying something like, 'how could you let that happen?' thus putting the blame on her, but she refused to believe he'd do that. On the other hand, she couldn't imagine him smiling beatifically at her and saying this was all he ever wanted, either. And she couldn't imagine Gil being goofy-eyed at the news that his little soldiers had scored.

As she waited for his reaction, the only thing Sara was pretty sure of was that Gil would be shocked by the news. He would probably push her away at arm's length and look at her, eyes big with incredulity…

But he didn't do any of this.

This was Gil Grissom, after all; the only thing one could expect from him was the unexpected.

Instead of pushing Sara away, Gil sighed as if in relief, and then held her even tighter.

A sudden realization hit her.

"You knew," she said breathlessly.

She pushed him at arms' length, her eyes big with surprise.

Gil only smiled faintly.

"You knew!" she said, and this time there was an implied accusation. "How -" then her eyes narrowed, "Did Catherine tell you?"

"Did you tell _Catherine_?" he asked, in surprise.

"How did you know?" Sara insisted.

"Well... Let's see. In the last couple of weeks, your breasts have became slightly swollen and sensitive," he said matter-of-factly, "You can't stand the scent of vanilla candles, and you've suddenly developed an aversion to asparagus soup, which used to be your favorite -"

Sara gaped. As Gil continued the list of symptoms, she realized that he may have known even before she did.

"Greg is right," she blurted out, "You're a little freaky, sometimes."

But there was admiration rather than criticism behind those words, and Grissom must have known, because he suddenly looked very proud of himself.

Sara smiled despite herself.

"Oh, you..." she said, shaking her head. "I don't believe this. How long have you known?" she asked, "Why didn't you say something?"

Grissom only smiled.

"Come on," he said, motioning her to come with him.

With his arm around her waist, he helped back into the living room.

Sara sat and looked at him, wondering what lay behind that quiet demeanor. He was too quiet –too composed. Not that she was complaining. This wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting, but it was a good reaction –the best, probably.

Gil sat beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Were you ever going to say anything?" she asked.

His smile faded. He shook his head.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I needed to hear it from you," he said softly. "It was your decision, Sara."

Those words sobered her up.

"But I could have decided anything," she said softly. That was the truth.

"I know," he said. He caressed her cheek. "I know."

Sara touched his face, too.

"How long have you known?" she asked.

"About a week, I suppose."

"And you kept it to yourself," she said in disbelief.

"Well, I didn't really believe it, at first," he said.

"Me, neither," she admitted. "We were always so careful -" she sighed. "We really were."

"Well," he shrugged slightly, "You know there's a small percentage of failure in contraceptive methods."

"Yeah, but… even so. I mean, we're not two teens who got careless -"

"Just two adults who did," he said sheepishly.

"It's embarrassing," she said.

He smiled, in genuine amusement. She smiled back.

"Listen to me, talking about being embarrassed." She smiled, then looked down. She put her hand on top of his. "I wanted to tell you," she said, more serious now.

He nodded.

"I kept hoping you would." He said softly, "One way or the other, I was hoping you would count on me. I believe you tried to tell me, a couple of times. But you ended up saying something else."

"I chickened out every time," she admitted.

Grissom frowned.

"Were you afraid of what my reaction would be?"

"It was complicated," she said. "It _is_ complicated. This relationship was meant to be your solace, Gil. That's what I said, remember? That there would be no compromises between us… That we would be free to leave, whenever we wanted…"

"I know what we said," he nodded. "But I'm committed to you, Sara. The minute we got involved, I considered myself married to you. I'm free to leave but I don't want to."

Her lips trembled a little at this. She pressed them together, then smiled.

"It's wonderful to hear you say that. I wish I'd realized that sooner. I…" she paused for a minute. "I didn't immediately decide on having the baby," she admitted softly. "But I don't think I could have, you know -" she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. "I was scared, that's all. Still am."

"Scared?"

"I mean, what if I can't be a good parent?" she said. "What if I can't be nurturing enough?"

"Sara, do you remember when Greg said he wanted to be a CSI? Remember that I asked you to help him? I asked you because I knew you'd be nice to him. I knew you'd be there through good and bad. You are a nurturing person."

She smiled widely. She was silent for a moment, enjoying the fact that he felt like this about her.

"To tell you the truth," Grissom said, then, "Deep down, I didn't doubt you'd want this child. What I didn't know was whether you'd want _me_ around."

"Oh, Griss," she sighed, "I'm sorry you felt that way. I did want you around. I was just afraid that you would say yes just because I wanted it too much. I was hoping you'd want a child because you believed it was right."

He paused for a moment, thinking this over.

"I didn't believe it at first," he said truthfully. "But then I thought, maybe I should wait for you to decide. I mean, eight years ago you believed I could be in a relationship and I didn't. But now I see you were right; I love being in a relationship. If you believed I could be a father, then you would tell me."

"So… You knew, all along -"

He shrugged slightly. "All I could do was wait. All I could do was -" he paused, looking for the right word. "-love you."

Her heart beat faster at the sound of that word. Her face must have shown some emotion, because he smiled faintly. "I've never said it, have I?"

Sara shook her head.

"I do," he said. "It's just -I don't know." He paused, then frowned at a new thought, "I guess I've always been afraid that I'll jinx this relationship if I say it out loud."

She smiled with genuine amusement.

"What?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Nothing. I've just realized that I've felt the same all this time."

"Amazing, isn't it? Two scientists yielding to superstition." His gaze shifted away for a moment, then returned to her, "I love you."

She stared into his eyes for a moment.

"I love you, too," she said. "It's so good to be able to say it," she sighed, leaning against him.

They were silent for a moment, simply holding each other.

"Parents," she said suddenly. "A lot is going to change now."

"For good," he added.

"I don't want us to change too much, though," she said thoughtfully.

"Ok."

She rubbed his cheek.

"Are you happy?"

He leant into her open palm for a moment. Then he looked at her and smiled faintly.

"Yes," he said simply.

She smiled. It wasn't the word but the way he said it that convinced her that it was true; he was happy.

"Aren't you a bit scared of this?" she asked softly.

"Very," he admitted. "There is no way to be really prepared for parenthood. But you know something? Since met you, anything seems possible."

* * *

THE END.

There's a story of mine that might be considered a companion piece for this: "No regrets," where there's a mention of Sara's and Gil's baby.


End file.
